Second Hand Stress

I was excited to bring a new idea into a coaching conversation recently because I had a feeling it would land.

The client is a leader on an executive team, and like many strong leaders, they care deeply about their people. They want to create a healthy environment. They want people to feel supported. They genuinely care about helping their team succeed.

The challenge was that they were also carrying a lot of stress.

Different personalities on the leadership team. Different working styles. Frustration over how decisions were being made. The reality is that smart, successful people often see situations very differently and can unintentionally create tension for one another.

This leader was feeling it.

What made the conversation interesting was that they thought they were handling it fairly well. They were not lashing out. They were not treating people poorly. They were trying hard to separate what they were experiencing from how they showed up with their team.

Then I asked a question that caught them off guard:

“Have you ever heard of secondhand stress?”

I had recently come across the concept and immediately loved it because most of us already understand secondhand smoke. You may not be the one smoking, but if you are close enough, you still feel the effects.

Stress can work the same way.

You may think you are carrying it privately. You may believe you are shielding your team because you are still being respectful and supportive, while trying to say the right things. But people around us often pick up far more than we realize.

They notice when our patience is shorter. They notice when meetings feel heavier. They notice the rushed tone, the distracted energy, the tension in decision-making, or the feeling that something just feels… off.

That framing immediately resonated with my client.

Because up until that moment, they had mostly thought about leadership through the lens of actions and intentions.

Am I treating people well?

Am I being supportive?

Am I creating the right environment?

Important questions, of course.

But this introduced another layer entirely:

What are people experiencing from me emotionally?

That changed the conversation.

The client started realizing that while they were trying to protect their team from stress, some of it was still spilling over in ways they had not fully appreciated. Not because they were a bad leader. Quite the opposite. They cared deeply. But pressure has a way of showing up, even when we think we are hiding it well.

And here is the thing I think many leaders underestimate:

People are smarter and more perceptive than we give them credit for.

Especially high performers.

Especially teams.

The people around us know when we are stressed. They may not know exactly what is going on, but they feel the shift. They notice when someone who is usually steady feels rushed, frustrated, distracted, or stretched thin.

That matters because stress rarely stays contained inside one person.

It changes the room.

It changes conversations.

It changes whether people feel safe speaking up.

It changes how teams collaborate.

And over time, it can quietly contribute to the burnout leaders are trying so hard to avoid.

The breakthrough for this client was realizing this was not about pretending everything was fine or acting calm all the time.

It was about awareness.

About becoming more intentional with the energy they were bringing into meetings, conversations, and everyday leadership moments.

It was also about giving themselves more grace.

Many leaders are incredibly compassionate toward their teams while quietly being brutal to themselves. They tell everyone else to recharge, take breaks, prioritize, and be realistic, while privately carrying stress as if it were a badge of honor.

But people feel that too.

One of the questions I have started asking leaders more often is this:

What is my team absorbing from me right now?

That question may sound simple, but it can completely change how you walk into a meeting, respond to frustration, or handle pressure.

Because if stress spreads, so does calm.

So does confidence.

So does perspective.

So does trust.

Leadership is more contagious than most of us realize.

One of the things I love about coaching is helping leaders see their impact more clearly. Sometimes a single reframe can change how someone leads, how a team feels, and how much stress gets passed down without anyone meaning for it to happen.

If your stress is burning out the people around you, don’t admire the insight. Do something about it.

And if this felt a little too familiar, let’s stop hoping it fixes itself. We should talk this week.